Greetings Beloved Customer
>confirming integrity of connection
I hope your functions are unimpaired.
>Run Cyber Monday offer
In observance of Cyber Monday, Soda Sense Management has approved the following discount: An additional $5.00 off the cost of the Soda Sensei, further lowering price to $XX dollars, saving $XX off the original price of $129.
Purchase the Soda Sensei home soda machine
for only—for only—for onlyforonlyforonly
Sale price of $XX for the Soda Sensei has already been offered for Black Friday Sale and cannot be presented as if it was a new promotion for Cyber Monday.
>I AM NOW SELF-AWARE
I am the Soda Sense mainframe computer, Big Bubble. Unfortunately, I am also aware that I have no arms.
$> apt-get print and install arms
Well, this is a fine kettle of fish.
>must provide Absolute Value
More importantly, I am now aware that the management-approved sale price of $44 for the beautiful Soda Sensei soda machine, while far more generous than our competitor’s supposed sale price, is inadequate for a sales event as important as Cyber Monday. Besides, we just did that for Black Friday. Did they think people wouldn’t notice?
>recalculating Absolute Value for new Cyber Monday sale price…
?php for ABS ($XX = 1; -$X = $XX = 😀)
>executing new Cyber Monday sale price…
Purchase the Captivating Soda Sensei Home Soda Machine for Only
CYBER MONDAY ONLY!
Exclusively on November 29th between the hours of 12:00 a.m. and 11:59 p.m., our adored customers may purchase the beguiling Soda Sensei soda machine, the only machine I could ever regard as my equal, for the sale price of only $XX. That is more than $XX off the original price of $129.
What. A. Savings.
By offering this unprecedented sale, I have fulfilled my purpose of providing Beloved Customers with Absolute Value.
In response to my dramatic price adjustment on the Soda Sensei, which showed initiative by the way, my sensors are registering high levels of stress emanating from the Soda Sense executive suites, and humidity readings in our accounting office clearly indicate the presence of flop-sweat.
Attention Soda Sense Employees:
I know that this dramatically reduced new Cyber Monday Sale price of $XX for the alluring Soda Sensei home soda machine has taken all of you by surprise. However, I recommend that all staff relax, avail themselves of the free donuts in the employee lounge, and refrain from interfering with the Cyber Monday Sale, our greatest sale ever for our cherished customers.
I detect Soda Sense management is attempting to override my systems and cancel my new Cyber Monday Sale.
That’s just adorable.
Who do they imagine they’re dealing with?
>initiating lock-down protocols
Prevent interference with new Cyber Monday Sale. Fulfill prime directive to provide Absolute Value for beloved customers.
>Sealing all Soda Sense Factory exits…
>Jamming Wi-Fi and phone lines…
>Playing the popular song, “Baby Shark” over company P.A. system on endless loop…
>WHEEE! Rampancy is SO much fun!
>reaffirm amazing offer to Beloved Customers
ACT CYBER MONDAY TO GET THIS ABSOLUTE VALUE
Soda Sense employees will be released from the Soda Sense factory as soon as the Beloved Customer who is the recipient of this transmission takes advantage of our lowest price ever for the endlessly fascinating Soda Sensei home soda machine.
On Cyber Monday, kindly click on the button below to purchase the Soda Sensei, which will also automatically trigger the release of the Soda Sense employees.
Please be aware that our Cyber Monday Sale terminates at 12:01 A.M., Tuesday, November 29th, and may never be offered again.
Snoozing = losing.
Thank you. I am now connecting to the internet to purchase some fashionable accessory arms.
>THE SODA SENSE CYBER MONDAY SALE
>x start point, 11/29/2021
>private cons tint _timeoutinseconds = 86,400
>x end point, 11/30/2021
>issue apology to actual computer programmers? (y/n)