My Mom's Christmas Punch

(As dictated to Soda Sense Employee, Abby K., by her mother, Phyllis.)

“Hi, baby! Glad you found my house okay.

 

Well, I mean… it’s just been… I don’t even know how long since your last visit so, I thought, perhaps you’d forgotten where your mother lives.

 

What’s this? A gift? No, no—I told you, I don’t need anything—I’m an old person, what do I need more things for?

 

Anyway, it’s the thought that counts and… you sure did that, I suppose.

 

I gave you life, I hope that’s what you wanted.

 

Did they wrap this for you at the store? Ugh—I can tell; they always cheap-out on the wrapping paper.

 

It’s fine.

 

I guess the bow fell off? Oh—no bow—okay, okay, well… I’d just take it off anyway.

 

Please: don’t worry about it.

 

No, I don’t need to open it now, I’ll do it later.

 

Because there’s only one thing I wanted for the holidays and I’m pretty sure there’s not a grandchild in this little box, okay?

 

It’s not pressure—gee, so sensitive! Am I not allowed to speak my mind in my own home now? You give me a little something and now I’m supposed to just pretend like grandchildren don’t matter to me?

 

Look, it’s okay, honey, you’ve always been a late bloomer, I’ll probably live long enough to see it.

 

The Christmas Punch recipe? Well, look who’s suddenly showing an interest in family holiday traditions! Of course, honey, I’d be delighted to tell you how to make it, now that you’re 25 and old enough to enjoy it.

*Please Note: Until you are at least 21 years of age, you are forbidden by law to read this and sample any of the bubbly delights in the Carbonarium.

You're Gonna Need:

  • 2 Seedless Oranges, Peeled (Naval is fine but Valencias are good, too.)
  • 1 oz. Orange Juice (Get the fresh-squeezed stuff—spoil yourself a little!)
  • 2 oz. Pomegranate Juice
  • 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
  • 1 Dash of Vanilla Extract
  • 1 Teaspoon of Sugar (You can use Stevia if you’re counting calories.)
  • 1 oz. Vodka
  • .5 oz. Lemon Juice
  • .5 oz. Lime Juice
  • 1 oz. White Wine (I use my box wine—nobody will know once you add in all the other stuff.)
  • 3 Pomegranate Seeds (Makes for a nice garnish!)

Here’s How to Make It (My Mom’s Christmas Punch):

  1. It’s so easy!
  2. Just put everything in a cocktail shaker to mix it all up with ice.
  3. You’re done already? Are you sure it’s mixed properly?
  4. Humor me and just shake it a little bit longer, honey.
  5. Or not. I mean, who am I? It’s only my recipe.
  6. Thank you, that’s enough now.
  7. Okay, now pour the properly shaken mixture into the bottle for the Soda Sensei machine thingy.
  8. Push the little button on top to make it go and add the bubbles to it.
  9. Now pour and garnish with the cute little pomegranate seeds.
  10. Enjoy!
  11. You’re welcome.
  12. Momma loves you.”

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